The Bald and the Disfigured
by Scision
Summary: Draco, Harry, Severus and Sirius. All fun. And games. And murder. And suicide and poison and... vanishing body parts? No pairing, just crack.


**Disclaimer: See front page.**  
_The exact words of my good friend, psychobabe313, whom I demanded a plot from: draco kills harry and then he commits suicide so snape dances and sirius laughs and then it turns out that all the drinks were poisoned.. (the invisible drinks that just conviently ended up in the plot) so they all die. mwahahahahah_

Rated for... minor language and some er.. "references" ? XD just to be safe..

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**The Bald and the Disfigured**

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"Noo... please! Don't do this, Draco, you're not-"

"A killer? I know, Potter. Stop telling me things I already know!" Draco Malfoy shouts, towering over Harry and pointing his wand at him.

"Shut up, Malfoy! You're ruining the story!" Harry growls impatiently. "Besides, do you _really _think I enjoy looking like a complete and utterly pathetic little fool in front of you?"

"Um... well you don't just _look _like one, you _are _a complete and utterly pathetic little fool."

"...I hope you shit squares one day."

"Shut the hell, up, Potter. I'm supposed to kill you now."

"Oh," Harry sneers, "Right. I forgot. Noo! Don't kill me, Draco! You _love_ me! You _need_ me! I love _you_!"

Draco almost snaps his wand in half in his tightening fist, and considers punching Harry in the face, but compromises by jabbing Harry sharply in the nose with his wand. "You're not supposed to say _that_," he hisses.

"Geez, sorry. I'm only trying to liven things up a bit, 'cuz every one thinks you're _so_ inexplicably _dull_."

"Can I just kill you now?" Draco snarls, face reddening.

"Arrrgh. Fine. Be the boring little parasite you are."

"_Avada Kedavra_!" There's a flash of green light and Harry's cowering body is limp and still.

Draco stares at Harry's lifeless eyes. Suddenly, he feels a rush of icy shock and regret flood his veins and nearly freezes his heart. He drops his wand with a clatter.

"No... _nooo! _I shouldn't have done it! I- I take it back! _I'm sorry_!" He sobs, clutching the front of Harry's robes, shaking the corpse so that Harry's head scrapes against the stone wall behind him several times.

"_The Potter Boy is de-ad_! _The Potter Boy is de-ad_!" A singsong voice drifts into the vicinity.

The blond boy turns and sees Professor Snape doing some sort of victory jig a little ways down the corridor.

"...How _dare_ you!" Draco cries. "You're so full of yourself! You don't care!"

"Of course I don't care, but I _do _care that Potter's dead! Good boy, Draco!" Snape says happily.

"Well I don't care! I don't need you, Snape! Nobody cares about _you_!" Draco conjurs up a knife and holds it up high, the blade glinting menacingly.

"Harry was right," he says, unwavering. "He was right about you. And I agree with him that you _are _an ugly bitch. _AND_ you'll never get laid!"

And Draco doesn't see Snape's jaw drop and shatter to a million pieces on the floor because he stabs himself multiple times, deeply in the chest with the dagger and crumples into a bloody heap. The knife hits the stone tiles with a clang.

Snape lets out a scream of rage, sprints over to the two dead boys and kicks each of them repetitively. Someone snickers behind him and he spins around, spotting Sirius Black.

"_You_!"

"Yes, me! I agree entirely with Harry and that Malfoy boy!" Sirius says merrily.

"Well maybe I don't care if I'm handsome or ugly or not, unlike _some _people I know," Snape spits.

"I wasn't talking about being _ugly_, idiot. But it just so happens that I am _very _handsome, indeed, and I _also _possess the wonderful ability to get laid every night, unlike _some _people I know."

Snape lifts his wand to curse him, but suddenly makes a gagging noise, releasing his wand to clutch his throat. He staggers sideways.

"What's wrong, now, Snivelly? Virginity too much for you?" Sirius sniggers.

"No!... But.. the poison! The _poison_!"

"Well... what about it?"

"I can feel it... it's spreading through my.. my entire body... and... I'm going to die!" Snape shouts, voice growing more strained and raspy by the second.

"Hah! What worse than to die a virgin!... But... what poison?"

"The poison that was put into the drinks that were served today!"

"What drinks? How am I not aware of any of this?" Sirius demands.

"Well... There's an obvious explanation for _that_... because you .. are the most oblivious and thick-headed leech on earth..."

"Shut up, or I'll kill you right now, or make your death more slow and painful than it already is! _What drinks_?!"

"Fine... I'll tell you... the drinks that were... that were spiked and conveniently put into this plot!"

"Oh... Erm... I see. Ha ha!"

"Shut up!... It's got you, too!" Snape exclaims, sinking to the floor onto his knees. His arms wrap around his sides, which were shrinking at an alarming rate along with his internal organs, which were disintegrating.

"What? No it hasn't. I don't look like a dying, melting ass, unlike _one_ of us."

"But...one of the... the symptoms!..." Snape gasps.

"Which would be?" asks Sirius, in confusion.

"That would be... your legs! They're _gone_!"

Sirius narrows his eyes at dying Snape skeptically, then peers down.

With an electrifying spasm of horror he realizes his legs are gone, indeed, with shoes filled with nothing but air, pants covering nothing but empty space.

"OHMYGOD! _MY LEGS_!" He screams in terror. He runs around wildly, but without the presence of legs, fails to do so and looks horribly pathetic doing it. Falling over, he tries to curl up in a fetal position, but with no legs, you can imagine how stupid that must look as well.

"My beautiful... _beautiful_ and wonderfully sexy legs..." Sirius whimpers.

"Geez.. even when you're _dying... _you still manage to...to keep hold of that incredibly notorious and thickwitted ego... of yours... And don't look now... but your...your face is vanishing, too..." Snape manages to croak and with a spluttering cough like a rusty unoiled engine, his voice and lungs collapse altogether.

"How can I? My _eyes_ are on my face! I can't _see_ my own face! Not my amazingly gorgeous face! Not my fakvucofpjkahjfurfg-"

Sirius's voice falters because, due to his face dissolving into nothing, his mouth was taken with it.

And so was the tragedy of the two boys and two men that everyone would awaken the next morning to find a corpse with a bald patch on its head, a bloody, severed mass, a shriveled man and a disfigured blob with no face and legs.


End file.
